Anal masturbation. Quick poll time: How many of you laughed? How many of you are still laughing? I’d wager better than half of you chuckled a bit. Butt why? It’s not the masturbation part that most people object to. We’ve been told, for a few generations now, that masturbation is something everyone tries. That it’s totally normal and healthy to indulge. (Yes, I know, there are fringe societies that don’t subscribe to this idea. I doubt they are reading this blog.) So why is anal still frowned upon? After all, with a quick anatomy lesson, the orgasms are sometimes more powerful than genital masturbation. And it’s not reserved for only certain anatomies; it crosses gender boundaries to just feel good. Trust me for a bit, just a step into the shadows, and I’ll teach you something.
Butt stuff is dirty! (isn’t it?)
This is one of those tenets of society that’s up there with “Don’t eat laundry soap!” We’re taught from infancy that anything having to do with your poo is dirty*, so by default the delivery method must be dirty. This is reiterated throughout our lives; poo jokes and bathroom humour are staples of any comic and prepubescent kid. Butt, this isn’t necessarily true. With a little preparation, your backdoor can be as polished and clean as your front door! Investing some time researching enemas, genital cleansers, and interactions with latex. These tools, used properly, can keep you clean and fresh enough for play. Now that you are squeaky clean, what’s the next step? Lube.
I don’t need lube for this! (yes. yes you do)
There is no greater mistake than not using lube. I know, I watch porn too and they just give it a quick lick and they are off to the races! Actually no, they don’t. There’s a cut scene where copious amounts of lube is used to make that which needs to be wet, wet. And trust me when I tell you, it’s a truly copious amount. Because one of the first things people think of when they think about anal sex is that it “hurts”. Well, I’m not saying that using more lube will eradicate the discomfort entirely but it sure as hell makes it hurt less. The same is true when you are masturbating; you want your hole clean and wet. Pay as much attention to the latter once you’ve perfected the former. Check for latex interaction, use the right lube for what you’re doing (i.e. don’t get the flavoured lube unless you really love your toilet. Like … really LOVE your toilet), and don’t be afraid to use it. Yes, the good stuff costs. But which costs less? The lube or the visit to your local A&E to explain anal bleeding? Okay, so we’re clean, we’re wet … what else? Grooming.
I’m not getting dressed up for butt stuff! (in a way, yes you are)
This is going to seem like an unnecessary step in your journey to anal masturbation; it’s not. It’s a crucial part of the process to avoid that visit to A&E. I’m not saying you have to go have a full manicure with a paraffin wax treatment, but clip your nails. Make sure you don’t have any hangnails, torn fingernails, or very rough skin. Yes, you are going to be wearing a glove but that isn’t much of a barrier if you have a ragged nail scraping agai- Yes, you see where I’m going with this. Do a quick trim. It won’t hurt.
Now the pounding! (no.)
So, to recap, you cleaned and lubed your butt, gave your fingers a groom, and your cock really is leaking so much and you just want to pound that hole! Slow down, my future sodomite. For safety you will thank me for later, buy yourself a box of latex or nitrile gloves. (Yes, that’s why we researched interaction with lube). I know, it’s not sexy. No one said anal masturbation was easy but the rewards are worth it. So, gloves on! (like little finger condoms). Grab a towel, your lube, a glove, and head over to wherever you prefer to masturbate. Bed, chair, floor. Whatever works for you, but make sure you’re comfortable and have some time to devote.
Touching your butt (finally!)
I know, seems like it took forever but congratulations! Now we’re going to actually touch your butt! Anal masturbation is similar to vaginal masturbation in the “insertion” sense. You can use toys (eventually) or your fingers and quite a bit of the stimulation comes from friction. Make sure you lube your fingers really well and rub them against your anus. Don’t worry about inserting them for now; get the outside wet. When you think you’ve used enough lube, you haven’t. Use more. Slowly start to push the tip of your finger in and out. Ouch may not be a good safeword but it’s an excellent gauge of whether or not what you’re doing is wrong. If it really hurts, stop. Get more lube. Try again.
Anal masturbation anatomy
Now that you’ve managed to get a well lubricated finger into your also-well-lubricated butt, you want it to feel good, right? That was the point, way back there at the beginning. Here’s where you have to give me a little faith. Wiggle your finger around a little, let your muscles get used to the feeling of having something in there (yes, you are going to feel like you have to poo but since you cleaned up first, you don’t). Try fucking yourself. No, not that fast. Slow. If it hurts, stop and examine what hurts. More lube? Poke slower? Damn, she was right about that hangnail? (I’m not gloating). Take your time. Anal masturbation isn’t fast to start off with. (Yes, I know. The porn. Trust me.)
Once you’ve felt around some, experimented with depth, speed; maybe the bravest of you even tried adding a finger. Now the anatomy lesson. When you have one finger inside your butt, curl it a bit towards your spine. I’m going to ignore your prostate or clitoris in favour of introducing you to my friend, the pudendal nerve. She’s a bundle of nerves responsible for why playing with your taint feels good and the sensitivity to the head of your penis or clitoris. She’s shy so finding her can be a bit of a challenge but, when you do? You’ll know.
By Mikael Häggström, used with permission.
When you want to thank me, leave me a note or give me a call.
*we aren’t arguing that poo is dirty. Yes, it is and there’s absolutely no reason to engage in play with it. Ever.